can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I had to cum in my sink.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
