im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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