Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
