Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
