i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
