I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm sobbing to NWA
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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