I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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