why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
