Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
