im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
