sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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