shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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