I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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