a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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