Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
