so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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