Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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