then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
