he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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