I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
