I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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