can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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