No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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