haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
