Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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