You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
