did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i think i have two assholes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
