The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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