it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
