i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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