don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
