I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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