i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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