my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
