Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
