Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
