went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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