Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize