I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
