News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
