The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
