Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize