my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
