were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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