I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
