We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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