Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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