she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
