Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
