you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
