A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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