Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
