she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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