who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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